by Mike Goeke —
When I was in the sixth grade, in a Christian school, one of the boys called me a fag. I was standing with some girls, and he was standing with some boys, and the boys laughed and looked at me like I was not one of them. I did not even know what a ‘fag’ was, but I knew it wasn’t good. When I finally did find out what it was, I wondered myself…”am I a fag?”
I was a good boy, raised in a Christian family. I certainly didn’t want to be gay, but I also had to admit that for as long as I could remember, I did not feel like I fit into the world of boys. My friends were girls, and my interests were more like their interests. I had a good relationship with my parents and a happy, secure home – but I identified more with my mother and felt very different from my dad and my younger brother.
My church clearly taught that homosexuality was a sin. I believed that to be true, but I couldn’t distinguish between homosexual behavior and these strange, scary feelings and desires that I had. When pastors spoke of homosexuality being an abomination, I felt like they were saying that I was an abomination. I did not want to be gay, and I never acted on those feelings. I dated girls and did everything I could to hide my sexual feelings. I also did everything I could to be ‘perfect,’ as if I could somehow make up for the feelings that filled my head and heart.
I went to Baylor University and followed Baylor with law school. My Christian activity increased in direct proportion to the intensity of my homosexual desires. I still kept from acting on my feelings, but inside I grew more and more disgusted by who I was, and more and more fearful that God was disgusted by me. I graduated from law school, met a girl named Stephanie and, at age 28, decided I better get married or people would continue to speculate about my sexuality. I married to protect my image and with a deep hope that somehow marriage would change me.
Marriage did not change me. In fact, my feelings only intensified. Not long into our marriage, I discovered AOL. On AOL, I found many men who were just like me – professionals, married men and Christians – who were all gay and who all seemed to be OK with being gay. I was hooked. I began, for the first time, to entertain thoughts of pursuing a gay life.
I began to research gay affirming theology. If I could convince myself that being gay was ok with God, I could justify what I wanted to do. I was what Paul talks about in II Timothy 4. I was no longer willing to endure sound doctrine. I wanted my ears tickled, and I found teachers who taught in accordance with my feelings. In November of 1996, I left Stephanie a letter on the door telling her I was gay, I had always been gay, I would always be gay, and that I wanted a divorce. I left Stephanie and jumped into the life that I had avoided for so long.
I was surprised at what I found in the gay community. My friends were nice, professional, kind-hearted people. Most went to church and had grown up in homes not unlike my own. They accepted me and, for the first time in my life, I felt like a man. I began attending a gay church and decided to fully accept an identity built around my homosexuality. Stephanie, meanwhile, refused to pursue divorce. Her world was rocked by my revelation, but she truly believed that God had joined us together and that He could work in this situation. She was no doormat. We communicated very little during that time, and most of our communication was not pleasant! But she never backed away from her belief that divorce was not the answer and that God had something more for us.
The initial euphoria of my new life began to wane over time. I left the gay church I was attending, and began to feel a distance from God. Everything I read blamed those feelings on my fundamentalist upbringing, and I resolved more and more to make the gay thing work. I truly felt I had no other option. In my deceived mind, I believed I was doing what God wanted me to do.
A reluctant Easter visit
My parents invited me home at Easter and I reluctantly agreed to go. As I was leaving after a tense weekend, my dad tried to give me a book. I had no interest in his ‘right-wing-Christian-propaganda,’ but I finally took the book just to get him off my back. The book was called “You Don’t Have to be Gay,” and as I flew home, I literally could not help but read the book. It was the story of a man who had left homosexuality. It was the first time in my life I had read a story like that, and I could not argue with this man. He spoke to everything I was feeling and every struggle I had experienced.
As the author shared from Scripture, I saw a picture of Jesus I had never seen before. He wasn’t some soft-spoken, benign, shiny white guy with his arms in the air – he was a powerful man, willing to die for me so that I would have the hope and power to overcome the feelings that dominated my life. He did love me just like I was – and it was that strong love that would not leave me there. I sensed that God was calling me home to Stephanie, but I just could not see how that could ever work. How could I go back? I argued with God and to every argument He responded to my soul with three simple words….”I Love You.” I knew somehow I could trust Him, and I knew He would walk with me wherever He was calling me to go.
I moved home, and Stephanie and I began the arduous process of rebuilding our lives and our marriage. We both had personal issues to work through, and our marriage had to be reconstructed from scratch. I was angry with the church – angry that I was 31 years old before I ever heard of hope for someone like me. But we knew we needed to be in the local church. When First Baptist Church of Midland planted a new church, we became part of the new church’s core group. That church became Stonegate Fellowship.
At Stonegate, God opened the door for us to start a ministry for people impacted by homosexuality and to share our story publicly. My healing and change were exponential in the community of Stonegate, a place that was not only safe for us, but that walked with us, celebrated with us, believed in us and loved us unconditionally. After a couple of years, I left the practice of law and joined the pastoral staff of Stonegate. We are living examples of the power of the local church to be a true agent of life change through Jesus Christ.
My homosexual struggle has not been zapped away, but I know from God’s Word that He allows struggles in our lives so that His power might be displayed in us and so that He will receive glory. I can think of no better life than to be a vessel for God’s glory and power. I thought it was all about me, but I have realized it is not about coming to grips with who I am. It is about coming to grips with who HE is. That is a life worth living.
We would not trade the struggles we went through for anything. Our ‘real’ marriage is so much better than the marriage we dreamt of for ourselves. God has blessed our family with three beautiful children and has grown in Stephanie and me a pure and beautiful love for each other and for the Lord. We know we have not arrived, but we also know that the end of the journey will be beyond our imaginations.
If you would like to know more about a personal relationship with God, go here
So what advice would you give a young man struggling through being gay and the church and all of their family shunning him to do? Because I am really lost right now and it feels like I either have to sacrifice happiness and never be in love with someone and go to heaven or pursue my happiness and find the love of my life and burn in the fiery pits of hell.
There are churches that will be more open and accepting of your struggle. After walking with the Lord for 29 years, I still struggle with my carnal nature. It is a mistake to place homosexuality in any different category of sin. Sin is sin. We all struggle, we all fall short, we all need God’s grace and His strength to overcome the weaknesses of the flesh. If you are interested, I can put you in touch with some people who have walked the same path.
That could actually be really helpful, I would really appreciate that because I really dont know what to think or do right now, I feel helpless.
Can you send me the same information?
I live in Northern Virginia.
He never actually got back to me or anything, but if you want someone to talk about it then I am here, and I know exactly what you are going through with the feelings.
This is not about what is ‘sin’ and what is not ‘sin’. It’s about the love that passes understanding that led Jesus to die on the cross for you so that you could be set free from the corruption you and every other human being is born into in this fallen world. We can’t escape sin. To call one form of activity ‘sin’ and another ‘not sin’ misses the point. God loves you enough to die in your place. An everlasting love. Do you really think that that God is about to give up, throw in the towel and consign you to an eternity in hell? I don’t think so. But neither do I think that you will be truly happy and fulfilled until you are living the life that God designed you for as a male human being. You can be free right now. Not just from unwanted sexual feelings (and there are many more than homosexual ones!), but from every other thing which keeps you from that perfect fulfillment and peace that God alone gives when you’re truly walking in him. Time to put your bags down, stop trying to do it yourself and just let Jesus live the life that’s impossible for you or anyone else.
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