Jordone Massey always felt like an outsider and rejected, so she ended the misery of internalizing her pain by swallowing 31 Ibuprofens in the 9th grade.
“I felt like I wanted to be accepted by people and I wasn’t,” Jordone recounts in a CBN video. “I had this strong craving that wanted to be loved.”
She threw up those pills and survived.
Then in high school, she sought love and acceptance through a boyfriend and sex.
“It felt like love, but it wasn’t love,” she says. “It didn’t help at all. It made it worse actually.”
At college, she continued to seek happiness where she would never find it: clubbing, getting drunk and premarital sex.
“I had a very deep level of sadness inside of me,” she confides. “When I got high, I wouldn’t think about my insecurities. When I got drunk, I wouldn’t think about my low self-esteem.”
Raised in church, she never stopped attending, but there was a major disconnect.
“I didn’t know what it meant to seek God,” she explains. “You smoke weed on Friday and sing in the choir on Sunday. I didn’t even know that any of the stuff I was doing was wrong.”
At a networking conference after graduation, she met a man, went out for drinks, and then got date-raped. When she went to police, she was told there was not enough evidence.
“I was depressed, just all the negative emotions you could think of,” Jordone says. “I remember driving down this road and thinking, ‘Maybe I could run into this tree and people won’t think it was intentionally a suicide.’”
Fortunately, she didn’t carry through with it.
Instead, she shared her troubles with a friend a few weeks later and he told her that Christ could heal her heart.
‘When he started talking about God, it was different,” she says. “It was genuine and sincere. It wasn’t surface level. He talked about God is his life and a relationship with Him. I felt like my eyes had been opened. I just started crying. I got it. I’d been wrong.”
Once home, she rededicated her life to the Lord. And her life turned around.
When she felt sad, she read her Bible instead of smoking weed. When she felt depressed, she prayed instead of finding a hookup.
She’s written a book, I Believe in God, Now What? It aims to help young girls who struggle like she did. “I just stayed faithful to Him to let Him deal with those wounds and the sadness, and eventually, He got rid of them,” Jordone says. “I’ve definitely been able to find acceptance and love in Him. This is what love really is. This is what satisfaction really is.”
She married Eddie Massey and they are expecting their second child. Her first baby, Sarah, was stillborn three weeks before her delivery date. “I blamed myself and I blamed God,” she says about the loss. “It was the most pain I ever had in my life but I also had peace.
“I thought I was close to God, but not as close as I thought. I learned how to surrender. It taught me a new way to relate to Him, to grow more intimate with Him.”
If you want to know more about a personal relationship with God, go here
Heidy Hutchinson studies at the Lighthouse Christian Academy in Santa Monica.